Sectarian an' Upper Class attacks oan masel

Thon George Foulkes is ane canny lad. Ah look forward tae perkin’ ma arse next tae his oan the red leather when ah’m Laird Martin ae Springburn! He said oan the radio that the attacks oan maself are sectarian hate crimes, jist cause ah like the Hoops! An’ fir those o’ ye who think that ah’m talkin’ aboot spaghetti hoops (ane o’ the essential food groups accordin’ tae Mary Doll) then that isnae whit ah mean! Ah am in fact referrin’ tae Glesgae’s greatest fitba’ team, the Celtic! Ah even took mah chauffeur tae ane o’ the games, but that’s anither story!

If ye follow the Hoops, it means that ye’re yisially a “left footer” as we Roman Catholics are often ca’ed. That means thit ye’re nae ane o’ them orange bastart flute-playin’ bluenose Huns that follows the Rangers. In fact, the last time onyane chucked oot a Speaker frae Parliament wis in 1695. Thon’s near enough thon date 1690 that all they Huns shout aboot, the Battle o’ the Bulge an’ a’ that, so ye cannae deny that a’ this is sectoratianist. In fact, noo ah think aboot it, ane o’ ma detractors is thon William Hague – wi’ a name likes ae that, thon boy must be a Hun. King Billy, ye get it.

So, ma pal Georgie is deid oan the money. These attacks oan mah guid self are jist pure deid sectarianismist. So ye can take a run and jimp, ye bunch o’ Hun bastarts! Ah’ll see ye aff jist like ah used tae get aboot ye at the Old Firm games back in the guid auld days! Bring it oan, ya radge – ah’ll melt the lot o’ ye, ye bluenose ba’ bags!

As fir ye Tory scunners, ye're jist jealous that a workin' class lad frae Glesgae is sittin' in the top chair o' yer hoose! But we're oan tae ye, an' Gordon's pals are goin' aroond tellin' a the Labour boys that ye're jist tryin' tae run doon a workin' class Scottish lad, caus ye're a' jealous o' ma place at the top o the golden trough!

So, jist ye a' wait. Ah'll make a wee bittie speech the afternoon tae promise a wee bittie reform, an' if ye scunners try it oan wi' a vote, then ah'll murder ye all, ye bunch o' middens!

Nae ane messes wi' the Big Man o Springburn! Bring it oan ya radge!