Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Ah'm PISHED the NOO!

Jings, ah'm fair bladdered! Ah swore aff the drink years ago, but ah needed a wee swallae jist tae get maself sortet an' get mah heid straight!

So ah cracked open a bottle o' the Speaker's Malt. Ah've goat a stash that ah send up tae mah ain wee pub in Springburn. An ah'm PISHED!

Itsh time fir a wee shing-shong....

Ah, ye cannae fling yer Speaker aff a bus, ah ye cannae fling yer Speaker aff the bus,
Cos he's a workin'class laddie with a pal that's frae Kirkcaddy,
Aye ye cannae fling yer Speaker aff a bus....




Ah'm greetin' like a bairn the noo!

The scunners have gone an' chucked me oot! Ah've tae stand doon next month.


Ah want mah mammy!!!!

Ah cannae believe it.....ah'm bawlin' like a wee bairn.....

Messages ae support

Ah’ve had some messages ae support frae leaders across the wurld – ae, even frae Edinburgh. (Mary Doll – ah dinnae mean the messages ye get frae Lidl, hen!)

Kim Jong-Il: On ye go, big man – oor worker’s republic is behind ye a’ the way wi rice production at 199% and the Great Helmsman wishes ye well!

Fidel Castro: Dinnae ye fash, comrade – hae’ a cigar and viva la Speaker!
Osama Bin Laden: Dinnae let thon infidels drag ye doon, big man! If they want a jihad, then gie’ it tae them, ya radge!

Josef Stalin: Jings, ah thocht ah wis deid! Ah weel…oan ye gae, comrade, an’ carry the flamin’ torch o’ the revolution oanwards oan behalf o’ the wirkers o’ the wurld!

Adolf Hitler: Jings, ah thocht a wis deid an’ a! Nivir mind, dinnae gie’ in man, it’s guy easy tae lose faith when ye’re hunkered doon in a bunker, but there’s a’ways sumthin around the corner! Jist ask yer pal Gordon – he’ll ken whit ah mean!

George W Bush: Mah fellow Americahns, ah think ye should stick wi’ the Sherrif o’ Springburn, an ah’ ken whit it means tae hing oan tae the bitter end even when naebody likes ye!

Gordon Brown: Noo, Michael…ah dinnae think ye’ve goat much o’ ah chance likes, but yer’re like ane o’ them human shields an’ if ah let ye go then ah winnae hae onyone else tae take the flak….ye’re no gonnae clipe oan me or tell onyone ah’ve said this, are ye….

Noo, on tae part twa o’ mah cunning plan. Ah’ve jist telt them a’ that ah’ll stand doon in a wee bittie. But ah havnae said when a wee bittie will be!! If ah can jist haud oan tae the week’s end then that’ll dae me tae the summer an’ a’body will hae firgotten by the time thon auld bisom opens the next Parlyment….ah’ll still be there, ye ken, at the top o’ the golden trough! There arenae ony flies oan Michael Martin, ah’ll tell ye that fir free!

Ah'll jist hae a wee think aboot whit ah'm gonnae say, before ah hae a wee blether wi' Gordon...

Monday, 18 May 2009

Jings! Whit a day!

Ah’ve bin addressin’ thon shower o’ bampots that ca’ themselves MPs. Ah even asked thon wee shite Norrie Baker tae speak jist tae be nice, likes. Ah micht even gie him a biscuit in the tearoom, but it winnae be a jammy dodger, jist a rich tea, like!

Ah told them that ah winnae be discussin’ mah future the noo. That should gie me a wee bittie time until the summer, when they cannae dae onything cos the’re a’ off on their holidays! In fact, they've goat anither holiday next week, ye ken! An ah telt them nae tae submit ony expenses claims for the noo until a’ this stramash has died doon, likes! Ah’ve telt them it’s their fault too, so they cannae wriggle awa’ an try and blame me – it wid be jist like them tae say ‘it wisnae me, Mr Taxpayer, that big lad the Speaker did it an’ ran awa!’

Noo, a’ that ah need tae dae is tae get through the rest o’ the week withoot any o’ thae scunners votin’ on me. Some ay thae boys (the huns an the posh anes) winnae be happy until ah’m sellin’ the Big Issue ootside Central Station, stinkin’ o’ pish! Well, ah’ll tell ye that isnae gonnae happen! But ah think ah’ve goat that ane sorted, cos ah had a wurd with Gordon and he said he wid look efter me. He cannae dae itherwise, or he wuild hae to ca' an election and he isnae glaikit enough tae dae that!

So, noo that the wee tumshie Dougie Carswell has peeped up, he can haud his wheesht! Mah boys will look efter me. In fact, ah think ah’ve got awa’ wi’ it fir the time bein. That’ll keep Mary Doll happy an’ ah winnae get battered when ah get hame!

Ah telt ye a’, didnae ah! Ye dinnae mess wi’ the big man ae Springburn or ye get melted! No even Queen Betty wid try it oan wi’ me, the big jessie! Ye’re a’ a bunch o’ fearties an’ ah’m gonnae get whits comin tae me! Ah’ve slogged mah way up frae the Trade Yinions tae the highest job in the land, an’ ah’m gonnae stay richt where ah am until ah’m ready tae gae in mah ain time! Then it's aff tae the Lords fir me wi' a nice wee packet in mah pocket, an' ma wee lad will get mah seat....he cuild even be the next Speaker an' a!

Sectarian an' Upper Class attacks oan masel

Thon George Foulkes is ane canny lad. Ah look forward tae perkin’ ma arse next tae his oan the red leather when ah’m Laird Martin ae Springburn! He said oan the radio that the attacks oan maself are sectarian hate crimes, jist cause ah like the Hoops! An’ fir those o’ ye who think that ah’m talkin’ aboot spaghetti hoops (ane o’ the essential food groups accordin’ tae Mary Doll) then that isnae whit ah mean! Ah am in fact referrin’ tae Glesgae’s greatest fitba’ team, the Celtic! Ah even took mah chauffeur tae ane o’ the games, but that’s anither story!

If ye follow the Hoops, it means that ye’re yisially a “left footer” as we Roman Catholics are often ca’ed. That means thit ye’re nae ane o’ them orange bastart flute-playin’ bluenose Huns that follows the Rangers. In fact, the last time onyane chucked oot a Speaker frae Parliament wis in 1695. Thon’s near enough thon date 1690 that all they Huns shout aboot, the Battle o’ the Bulge an’ a’ that, so ye cannae deny that a’ this is sectoratianist. In fact, noo ah think aboot it, ane o’ ma detractors is thon William Hague – wi’ a name likes ae that, thon boy must be a Hun. King Billy, ye get it.

So, ma pal Georgie is deid oan the money. These attacks oan mah guid self are jist pure deid sectarianismist. So ye can take a run and jimp, ye bunch o’ Hun bastarts! Ah’ll see ye aff jist like ah used tae get aboot ye at the Old Firm games back in the guid auld days! Bring it oan, ya radge – ah’ll melt the lot o’ ye, ye bluenose ba’ bags!

As fir ye Tory scunners, ye're jist jealous that a workin' class lad frae Glesgae is sittin' in the top chair o' yer hoose! But we're oan tae ye, an' Gordon's pals are goin' aroond tellin' a the Labour boys that ye're jist tryin' tae run doon a workin' class Scottish lad, caus ye're a' jealous o' ma place at the top o the golden trough!

So, jist ye a' wait. Ah'll make a wee bittie speech the afternoon tae promise a wee bittie reform, an' if ye scunners try it oan wi' a vote, then ah'll murder ye all, ye bunch o' middens!

Nae ane messes wi' the Big Man o Springburn! Bring it oan ya radge!

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Mah expenses an' transparency

Richt! Since thon boy Cameron' gangin oaf oan ane aboot honesty an' transparency, ah'll publish some o' mah expenses details. It micht explain tae thon taxpayers exactly whit ah'm aboot.

Ah'm a workin' class lad o' simple tastes. Whit ah like the best fir mah tea (an' it's tea - it isnae dinner, ah had tae sack twa waiters fir ca'in it dinner, the ba-heids) is a munchy box. Ye get them in Glesgae after a nicht oan the pish.

Ah'm still close tae mah roots, so ah dinnae go fir ony hoity toity hoite coosine or onythin' fancy. Mary Doll would boke, likes, an' a! So ah get ma staff tae fly me doon a munchy box frae Glesgae every nicht, frae mah favourite chipper. They fly it doon in a special plane, oan the Queen's Flight, in a wee metal box tae keep it warm.

But we hae certain standards in the Hoose o' Commons so they hae tae serve it up richt. This is whit it looks like when it's served up, fir mah tea. The Special Reserve Irn Bru is in a glass next tae it (we dinnae drink it oot the can doon here ye ken!) an' they fly that doon an' a. But that has tae come frae Dundee so it's a different flight.

The reason ah mention this is thon Heather Brookes was oan aboot invitin' me oot fir dinner an' that goat me thinkin' (thon happens noo an' again). But, as ah said tae her, there's only ane Heather fir me an' that's Heather wi' the Weather oan BBC Scotland (but dinnae tell Mary Doll).

Ah'm gaein' naewhere!

See yon wee Cleggie? Ah'm gonnae punch his pus the next time ah clock his coupon in the Chamber. Ah'm gonnae walk oer there an' lamp him ane. Ah widnae gie him the sweat aff mah baw-bag, let alane the time o'day after a' this, the wee scrotum!

There is nae way ah'm budgin' the noo! Ah'm stayin' pit richt where ah am. There's work tae be done! Ah've goat tae get a few mair trips fir Mary Doll (she wants tae go tae China next) an ah've goat tae get Gash or Wee Burnie set up fir mah Springburn seat. Then it'll be aff tae the Lords, but in mah oan guid time!

Mary Doll fancies bein' ca'ed Lady Mary o' Springburn!! She wants tae get a chauffuer tae the bingo an' all, an' ane o' thon police bodyguards tae carry the shoppin. Mah life winnae be worth livin' if she disnae get whit she wants!

So, ah've told mah pal Stuart Bell tae kid oan that ah'll stand doon at the election.