Jings! Whit a day!

Ah’ve bin addressin’ thon shower o’ bampots that ca’ themselves MPs. Ah even asked thon wee shite Norrie Baker tae speak jist tae be nice, likes. Ah micht even gie him a biscuit in the tearoom, but it winnae be a jammy dodger, jist a rich tea, like!

Ah told them that ah winnae be discussin’ mah future the noo. That should gie me a wee bittie time until the summer, when they cannae dae onything cos the’re a’ off on their holidays! In fact, they've goat anither holiday next week, ye ken! An ah telt them nae tae submit ony expenses claims for the noo until a’ this stramash has died doon, likes! Ah’ve telt them it’s their fault too, so they cannae wriggle awa’ an try and blame me – it wid be jist like them tae say ‘it wisnae me, Mr Taxpayer, that big lad the Speaker did it an’ ran awa!’

Noo, a’ that ah need tae dae is tae get through the rest o’ the week withoot any o’ thae scunners votin’ on me. Some ay thae boys (the huns an the posh anes) winnae be happy until ah’m sellin’ the Big Issue ootside Central Station, stinkin’ o’ pish! Well, ah’ll tell ye that isnae gonnae happen! But ah think ah’ve goat that ane sorted, cos ah had a wurd with Gordon and he said he wid look efter me. He cannae dae itherwise, or he wuild hae to ca' an election and he isnae glaikit enough tae dae that!

So, noo that the wee tumshie Dougie Carswell has peeped up, he can haud his wheesht! Mah boys will look efter me. In fact, ah think ah’ve got awa’ wi’ it fir the time bein. That’ll keep Mary Doll happy an’ ah winnae get battered when ah get hame!

Ah telt ye a’, didnae ah! Ye dinnae mess wi’ the big man ae Springburn or ye get melted! No even Queen Betty wid try it oan wi’ me, the big jessie! Ye’re a’ a bunch o’ fearties an’ ah’m gonnae get whits comin tae me! Ah’ve slogged mah way up frae the Trade Yinions tae the highest job in the land, an’ ah’m gonnae stay richt where ah am until ah’m ready tae gae in mah ain time! Then it's aff tae the Lords fir me wi' a nice wee packet in mah pocket, an' ma wee lad will get mah seat....he cuild even be the next Speaker an' a!